Just before you say “ YES I DO”

(Strictly for Intending couples)

(Caveat Emptor:  This write up is strictly for Intending couples, before you go on reading it, you must identify yourself that you are in that category)

Okay, having done a little test and had screened out all the players or the unserious lovers from reading this piece, intending couples, lets study something together about your ideal person… some pitfalls you will have to avoid before saying YES I DO.

Credit must be given to Zicolo Abiola Issac for the inspiration to write this, he  wrote a wonderful piece in his Facebook page which I found very useful and which am going to adopt most of his points and discuss about it.

Of course by the time of writing this note, I am still single (If you are reading it after February 18, 2010), so many will say, “What do you know about Love and marriage to teach us” but, I have had my own fair share of the Love and Relationship and there are some topics about love in which I consider myself worthy and qualified to talk about.

Okay, enough of this rambling, lets start….

Do you have a relationship with a girl or a guy and  you are telling yourself that its time to settle down… as a lady, do you think its high time he proposed, and as a guy, do you think this is just the right moment to pop the question.

Well… most people get to that stage without actually knowing how they get there. Many just start conceiving marriage thought without the right motive.

To some, it may be the age factor… the thought of “ Oh, I am getting old o… when will he propose na” or “All my age mates are married, am tired of doing the best man, its time I take her to the alter” comes readily to mind.

If that’s your motive for getting married, then you better check out yourself, you are seriously not ripe for marriage, and you are heading for a turbulent time in your marriage.

Deciding if you’re ready to make the commitment to marriage is only half the battle, before you ever think of settling down, there are a few things to consider first because, you must figure out if the man or woman in your life is the right one to devote yourself to until death do you part. Believe me, this is not a joking matter, there are a few warning signs that your boyfriend girlfriend is not marriage material. It’s a complex situation but we are going to address them carefully here.

• Is he or she the Touch and Go person: Are you getting married to a restless person, a guy or a girl who has trouble committing to a job, a friendship or even a hairstyle might not be the best person to swear your undying loyalty to. If she has tried numerous short-lived career paths or is constantly making new friends and dropping the old ones, these may be indications that she’s not the kind of girl who’s in it for the long haul. settling down simply may not be in the cards for someone so free-spirited and fickle, Even if he/she sticks around, consider the possibility that his/her ever-changing lifestyle could derail your own life plan as well. Remember getting married means combining your lives in nearly every sense. Give some serious thought as to whether or not she will be a good influence on your future.
• Is He/She the Jealous Type? If your boyfriend/girlfriend is jealous of every guy/girl who comes near you, going to the putting a ring on her finger is not going to make her more secure. Everyone gets jealous sometimes, but if you find yourself constantly having to reassure her that the other women in your life are not a threat to her, this could spell doom for a long-term commitment. Two years ago, a guy actually called me on phone to tell me to steer clear of girlfriend…. It really turned me off from that kind of relationship. A good husband/wife is not possessive or irrational. As long as you’re not giving him/her any reason to be suspicious, she should be able to keep the green-eyed monster in check.
• Is the sex life totally different? Have you really have cause to wonder if your partner’s sex drive match yours: Sex is an important part of any relationship, and the way you relate to each other physically has a big influence on whether you stay together after you say “I do.” One sign that to show that he/she might make a bad husband/wife is if his/her sex drive differs wildly from yours. Whether it’s much higher or much lower than your own, his/her libido will have a huge effect on your happiness as a married couple. Sex-drive issues can be the result of medical or psychological problems, so problems might come and go, but either way, it’s best to work this out before you walk down the aisle.
• Is he/she happy when your friends are with you? Mmmmm…. This is a very sensitive matter, have you thought about his/her disposition towards your friends? A guy/girl who disapproves of you hanging out with your friends will become a husband/wife who doesn’t want you to have your own life outside of the marriage. Even if he/she is not that fond of your buddies, he/she shouldn’t stand in the way of you spending time with them on your own. Provided your friends aren’t convincing you to rob banks or visit a Juju man. He/she should trust you to make your own decisions about your friends. If he/she tries to restrict that now, it’ll only get worse after you say your vows. One of my girlfriends was always against my friends, she will always ask me what’s my use of staying with them. She once asked me to choose between her and my brother when there was a conflict of interest… of course you can imagine that I will chose my brother, the relationship did not even lasted long for me to consider her a wife material.
• Is he/she trying to change you? If your boyfriend/girlfriend is constantly fussy about your appearance, your behavior, your personality, your career path, your friends, and your habits, he/she is essentially telling you that you’re not good enough for him/her. Everyone can make improvements in their lives, and a good partner should help you become a better person, but if he/she is forever on your case about changing one thing or another, he/she is certainly going to make a bad husband/wife. You also have to decide whether or not the things he/she is asking you to change are reasonable or out of the question. Can you give up your vision of a loft downtown for his/her desire for a house in the suburbs? Are you ready to start putting on jean just because he/she says that’s how he/she wants you to dress? What if you’ve always wanted to be a father/mother and he/she is dead-set against having children? Ask yourself how much you’re willing to give up to please him/her. A lady was always nitpicking about lots of things about me, she complained about the way I eat, she complained about how I laugh, she complained about how I sleep, she complained about virtually everything about me so one day I asked her, “are you sure I am what you want? You better decide now because this is who I am, I can’t start changing how I walk, talk, eat and sleep because of you”.

Contrary to the wisdom of pop songs, love is not enough to make a marriage work.

Getting married means sharing your entire life with another person, so you want to make absolutely sure that he/she is someone you’ll be happy spending time with day in and day out. Keep an eye out for these warning signs that your boyfriend/girlfriend will make a bad husband/wife and avoid committing to the wrong woman.

If he/she has all or most of the above traits, then you had better think twice before you decide in saying “YES I DO”. Marriage is an eternal thing and once you are inside, it’s till death do you part.