(Sequel to Love and Marriage Simply Misunderstood)
Recently, a friend and colleague drew my attention to a post on one of the social website which dealt with issues of Intimate friends… after reading such post, I begin to wonder within me how this really relates to my life as well as the lives of many people.
In my earlier post (Check Love and Marriage: Simply Misunderstood), I had shared my story on how some people expressed disappointment about my plan to settle down…. Obviously, it was not that they don’t want me to settle, they just could not fathom why they were not the one.
By the nature of my upbringing, as a kid, warming my way into people’s heart is one of my asset, I may not be the soft spoken charming type ladies long for, but my shoulder is as wide and soft as the ear of an elephant and on the shoulder most people find El-Dorado and the Utopia world; no matter how short it may be.
I became a reservoir of secrets; people shared their intimate secrets with me and confide in me on important things that at time I respect the burdens which a Reverend Fathers have to bear daily hearing the confession of the people.
With me, I see my friends as sexless, irrespective of your gender, whenever our heart meets and agrees, we take on from there, but my preference for the opposite sex took over.
Before you castigate me or call me a woman wrapper, remember that I said I grew up in the family of 3 girls and just a kid brother so I am more closer to ladies that men and as far back as my Secondary and University days, it was not strange to see me in the company of a girl, or see a girl tagging along when I go about my normal duties.
However, there was always a limit to our friendship: the word LOVE never arises. In my eye, they are just friends or family members nothing attached.
Many people find it difficult to believe a guy and a lady can share intimate moments with a guy without them actually dating, so I can understand the sentiments that people attach to my relationship with some of those friendgirl.
My first intimate moments with a lady friend came during my final year in the University, Kenny, a very intimate lady-friend of mine had moved into my room where she planned on spending a WHOLE month with me…. We were not dating and I was certainly not looking forward to any thing that would suggest a different set up.
However, after her first 24 hours with me where I had watched her sleep, had her bath, dress up and even seen her in her awkward moments, I knew I was in for a great test of my life. How I passed the test is a story for another time.
Just after my University, another test came during my Service year when Lily, another female friend, paid me a visit and decided to stay for 3 weeks.
Now, the point I am trying to bring out here is this… when these girls decide to go to that extent with you, are they indirectly trying to pass a message across to you that its high time the intimacy move to another level.
In my own case, when I see a lady-friend as a family friend, I am not aroused by her sexuality, so it should not amaze you if I say I actually go to the extent of seeing then in their “Birthday suit” and not feel any sensation run through my body.
Well, not many opposite sex see this as many of us tend to see it. In the first place, many intimate relationships which we term “Just Friends” might actually be more than it looked like as most opposite sex actually believe the relationship might actually be leading somewhere.
Recently, a friend of mine on Facebook received a rude shock when he was turned down by his lady friend whom he shared intimate call with. According to him, within the 8 months in which they were together, she had called him on numbers of time, share intimate secret with him, sent him lovely messages and even hang out, so automatically he had the motion that this is leading somewhere and actually pop the JAMB question “Be my Fiancée”. The answer he got, coupled with the tongue lashed he received from the visibly angry girl will forever linger in his heart.
However, how are we now expected to define the level of intimacy you might want to share with your opposite sex? How far are you both willing to go, how will it affect your personal relationship with you fiancé or fiancée?
Joshua Rogers, an writer/attorney based in Washington D.C in one of his write-up “Your Friendgirl deserves better” stated that people have to wake up to the fact that there is something more important at stake than our convenience with our friendgirl, and what might be at stake is his or her heart.
Most times, ladies heart are vulnerable and after some intimate moments together, the assumption begin to creep into her mind, “I think he loves me, he is just bidding his time”
According to Joshua, when this thinking comes into her mind, it is time for a major break up…. “if you are one of those guys who is passively encouraging a single lady to waste her time on you when you are not romantically interested, then it is time for one of the most important break up of your life”.
How practicable is this advice in your life? How do we succeed in breaking up with someone you are so close with?
Well…. In my own case, I procrastinated in most of my friendgirl’s issue and so was not surprise when most of them showed displeasure at my plans to get married.
The only occasion where I try to use the above principle with a friendgirl almost ended in a disaster. Funmmy (Not real Name) was a very close friend of mine… we met in Lagos, find ourselves in the same company and became so attached when I was introduced to her family and I became part of the family.
In this situation, I thought I was okay with the level of intimacy since we both did not plan to take it further and since we were both in a relationship.
Then all of a sudden, my blissful relationship collapsed and in my moments of brooding over the relationship she confessed to me that her relationship had collapsed for over a year but she had continued to use him as front in order to avoid any complications.
Now the best bet and step for a sharp Lagos guy will be to jump at the opportunity and open a relationship with Funmmy… this many expected me to do, and this I failed to do. To me, we were brothers and sisters… even during a crazy moment when we actually kissed and confess some feelings for each other, I still could not fathom how I will live with someone I had initially consider as my sister… that is incest…
So I took another route, I met Abiodun (Not real Name) proposed to her and introduced her to Funmmy as my fiancée. (Till today, still cannot say if Funmmy is really happy to see me settling down).
As for my other friendgirls, I guess I should have followed the advice of Joshua and clearly define what really exist between us.
So you don’t have to fall into the same dilemma I fell into with my friendgirl, ask yourself today if you think you are doing the right thing with her.
Joshua pointed out that “You might have a friendgirl if you are a friend with a girl you never intend to marry and
- You know she is interested but you figure that as long as you don’t kiss her, she will understand that the relationship is platonic.
- People keep asking you if you are dating her and you act surprise every time.
- You have had to explain every time that she is just like a sister to you.
- When she calls you, you hang out with her if it is convenient
- When you call her, she leaves everything she is doing to be with you
So it is very imperative we take the right step now, beware of what you are doing to your opposite sex. She might not find it so funny as you think take a decision today.
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